1. Your binding setting will be incorrect in exact proportion to the distance to the nearest screwdriver.
2. A group of snowboarders will travel at 75% of the speed of the slowest member.
3. The chance you will be required to fit snow chains increases in proportion to the likelihood you have left them in the basement.
4. The good humour of the lifties is inversely proportional to fresh powder depth. Or the magnitude of your hangover.
5. Your new fat skis will be 20mm wider than the widest available binding brake in the country.
6. A terrified tourist will only attempt the Mt Olympus road in a campervan with no chains if they have just pulled in front of you.
7. The more carbon fibre to found in your skis, boots, bindings and avalanche probe the more likely that you work in the medical or legal professions.
8. Avalanche danger is inversely proportional to the battery life in your transceiver.
9. The slower the driver the less likely they are to pull over on a powder day.
10. The more expensive your snow tyres the more likely that Fedex will ship one to Australia. I wish I was making this shit up.
11. The greater the period since you last waxed your skis the longer the distance you’ll have to traverse on a given day.
12. The more you believe that what’s best for the ski industry is also what’s best for skiing the more likely you are to own a ski business.
13. For any group of more than four snowboarders the chance that a particular one is sitting on their arse adjusting a binding at any one time rises to over 90%.
14. The more you know that you should have been here yesterday the more likely some jackass will say, “you should have been here yesterday.”